Let it begin...

(Snuggling in bed)

It’s soon approaching…this time in my life that I have been waiting patiently and expectantly for, the time when as much of my energy I can spare from my children and husband is going to be completely dedicated to school. May 22nd the year of torture will begin. My goal is for it to have as little effect on my family as possible, whether or not that will happen, well I wont know until it begins.

The end result will be worth it, that this crazy schedule we have been living with will soon subside and a more normal family setting will pick up. Of course being the “realist” (or negative thinker as my sweet husband refers to it as) that all I can think about it what if it affects my children more then I anticipated, what if I underestimated the time that will be involved or worse what if I fail?



As a child I gave up easily on most everything, because everything for me was simply for pure entertainment or fun. Taking things seriously was not my forte, correct Dad? Of course life has changed, I fell in love, I created a home with a man that keeps more love flowing through it then I ever imagined. We created two beautiful babies who have our hearts in the palms of their tiny hands. The idea of letting them down and failing is not an option. If either of them is effected in this situation I will forever be trying to make it up to them.



I use to talk to Nate about this all the time and in his optimistic attitude would always respond “ Everything will fine, they wont remember” or many things along that line. I love my husband but I have since stop letting on my negative thinking knowing he doesn’t think the same way and I’m almost sure he doesn’t understand why I do. Good in my mind I’d rather keep it from him anyway, I love his almost pure optimistic thinking someone like me couldn’t be with anyone else, he is my saving grace.



When I think about how Cecelia is almost 4 years old and my journey in school started when she was about 5 months old I think that went by so fast, this year will be done in a blink of an eye. However, the day by day of it will be agonizing for me and I may be my own worst enemy by my way of looking at our situation. The anxiety of what is coming in the next month or so is killing me more hours put in on campus then most people work in a week and then work on top of it and then my family.*



Before we had Arlo our bedroom use to be my office, I would shut the doors for hours and finish papers and work on homework and Nate and Cecelia did whatever they did and I’m almost certain that this is when they formed that bond that everyone who knows Cecelia and Nate know that it will never be severed. That no matter what arguments they may get in as she grows he is her heart and vice versa. What will happen with me in school even more, my relationship with Arlo, my boy, I can’t even allow my mind to go there.



This is not meant to be a pity party, just a few things running through my mind. Nate and I made the decisions in our life for a certain reasons and I know we are going with the plan we set out in the beginning but I didn’t have a pair of mint green eyes pleading with me to stay home with her, or a gummy smile with those melt me in a puddle dimples piercing my heart when we planned our life. But it will soon pass and the year will go by and my goal is for them to never be effected by the whole thing.



Diving in head first is always a risk, but here goes nothing.





* I’m beyond aware that so many women and men do this everyday single handedly without help from their families and friends, without a tiny bit of support and I am always amazed at their ability to do their jobs as parent, student and worker.