Arlo : Six

From the moment Arlo took his first breath, each step I've gained being his mother has been fought for. Nothing comes easy when this kid is involved. Every morning when I put my feet on the floor and begin a new day, I know without a doubt, I will go toe to toe with that blonde boy. 

It could be about what he is having for breakfast, what to wear, why he can't ride his bike to school, homework, picking up his mess, why peanut butter isn't not appropriate for every meal. The list goes on and on. 

However, that has never deterred me from loving that boy with as much ferocity has he has always deserved.

He woke up this morning and the first thing that he said was "I'm 6 today!"

It was the cutest, most Arlo-ish thing to say and when he does things like that, every fight I go head to head with him is always worth it. He will and has always has been worth it. 

Ralph Arlo Stanley V, I love you and absolutely adore you and all you've given to me and this family in the short 6 years you've been alive.

Happy Birthday Arloboy!

Parenting: Inclusiveness

When you take the time to rub the sticks together, take pride when you see the sparks create the fire.

I have an 8 year old daughter. She will soon be 9 in September. I think she might be getting to that strange category called "tweens" but first child, only daughter, you could chalk this whole post up to me not knowing what I'm doing too.

For the past 2 years I have been preaching to Cece about inclusiveness with her peers. Now I feel like I should mention that if you ever run into me or have spoke to me and you ask me about my daughter I probably come up with some sarcastic remark about raising a girl and "Oh the drama" bla bla bla. Let me be real frank for a second. I love that girl beyond words, there frankly isn't enough to go over all that Cece means to me. She has taught me so much in the very short time that I have had the pleasure of raising her that it hurts my heart in the best of ways to think of how much more she has left to teach me.

Now let's also be real, raising kids is tough and not for the faint of heart. Also raising boys is like navigating a freaking battlefield of physical proportions and I mean the physical part literally. Raising a girl is like that only with words and so many emotions. It's hard and it takes work and there is never a super simple solution to whatever problem ails them.

However, it seems one common thing keeps popping up year after year, ever since 1st grade. Being left out, which leads to hurt feelings and so on. Now I know a lot of moms and adults in general have conflicting views about how to handle children's feelings. All that arguing about "safe spaces" and if they are relevant and oh it's "hurting our children" and "what about tough skin..."

Okay so whatever your view is on that front lets just focus on school age children and being left out. When your child has been left out, whether intentionally or not, they will probably tell you that it hurt their feelings that the people they consider their friends were not wanting to play with them. As a parent your heart will ache for your child and to want to make it better.

I'm on year 9 of parenting and I know good and well that I can't fix Cece's problems for her and Nate and I also don't think it's our place to always step in and make things right but again you are the parent so you need to guide and teach them through these types of experiences. So a few years ago after a little episode with Cece and a friend, I needed a complete run down of the situation so I could best help her. However, getting a school ager to give you a detail account of any story is easier said than done. What I soon figured out was that asking questions, especially ones that don't point direct blame, really help Cece work the situation out all on her own. By just opening her mind up to the whole situation, instead of the very small tunnel vision she has on just her specific feelings. This has helped me give her the ability to see outside of herself and to realize that not all hurtful situations are intentional and cruelly derived.

Let's face it at one time or another you have felt left out from either your friends or family. When you give yourself time to step back from the situation to look at the big picture, 9 times out of 10 you were only thinking of how they didn't seek out your company, instead of thinking about the actual situation and that hurting your feelings probably wasn't even on their radar (Of course I know that this is not always the situation and that there are people out there that get a sick pleasure out of that crap.)

Anyway, the big thing that I have learned not only with my own friends as well as helping Cece navigate her little friends and her feelings, is to adopt the concept of inclusiveness. There is always going to be one or two people in your life that have trouble in large groups of people. They want to hang on to those people that they really feel comfortable with and they get very territorial when two many move in on their "people". I know all about these type of people, I happen to be one, but you guys I married a person who is all about inclusiveness. Over the years, I've worked through that fear of including and also being included into a large group of people. As I get older the more I appreciate all the different people that I have started to incorporate into my life and how, especially the past year, they have meant so much to me. What would I have done without ALL those people?

Now don't get confused, I still have issues in relying on more than a handful of people but my ability to love a greater amount of people has let that much more love and support into my life and I've been kicking myself for not seeing this as a treasure instead of burden when I was younger.

So I remind my daughter, who happens to be her father's daughter, that even though she dearly loves one or two little girls and considers them her "best friends" I remind her that there is so much to including everyone, yes even the kids that struggle with allowing to many people to be apart of their circle. Those over the others need it just as much. After 2 years of this philosophy to my daughter I can see it really taking root and she remembers to be inclusive, not only with her time but her feelings as well. She wants everyone to be friends and I have to remind her that to let people open up to her, she needs to remember to open up to them. Some people need to be shown in order to replicate that sort of behavior.

It's been a joy watching her really open up and blossom this summer with a lot of neighborhood kids. Mainly girls but also a lot of our boy neighbors as well. She really wants everyone to be touched by her friendship, to feel good about spending time with her and telling her all the stuff. She is good playing and being goofy but I also hear her opening up and saying stuff like "I get scared too, so it's totally okay if you do!" She welcomes and makes others feel comfortable opening up as well. She has been helping some girls learn to do back walk-overs and back handsprings on our trampoline and earlier in the summer, I would hear her say "Oh that's not right, let me show you." I had to remind her that even though I know she was being honest, people might not feel comfortable telling you their struggles if you brush them off so easily, be a teacher not a show off. Now, this week I've heard her say "Great job, you almost have it, just throw your legs over a little faster and I think you'll land it!"

Cece has an issue with her tone so I'm constantly reminding her of that and even though it seems redundant day after day with the same remark, it seems to be helping her and how she address others.

Okay so this sort of seems like a bragging posts, "Oh my kid is so awesome and great, teach your kid to do the same" that's not my intention. It's basically a notice that changing your view on how you think you are, doesn't mean that's how you have to be. Change is hard and guiding change in a young person takes effort and a whole freaking lot of patience. Changing my own outlook needed to be done so that I could help guide my daughter's, as well as my sons, in the right direction.

Nate and I have only had 2 major goals while raising our children. One we will always love them, that actually isn't a goal but it's a gd fact. Second, teach them to be kind, compassionate, inclusive and  and strong in their convictions. Over this past summer I feel like Cece is starting to really absorb what we have been preaching, it's a parenting miracle. This is just the tip of the iceberg in parenting years but also we only have her and the boys for such a short amount of time and I feel like I've started late with all of this because it took me until my 30's to figure out these lesson myself! Luckily, I married a dude that was born with this mentality and it has served him well for many years.

I tell him constantly I wish I could be more like him and he always says then I wouldn't be me and where would the fun be in that.

I needed to get this down, I needed to say I'm proud of what we are pouring into our girl and of course the boys, but also of myself too. We live in a small community and Nate and I want to be a positive part of that community. We hope by raising our children with a great deal of intention then that will spread to others. I mean what else are we suppose to be doing as parents, as humans, if not to leave this world better, with better people with more love.

Summer

I keep thinking that if I ever got back onto this little spot and typed words out again, I would need to start from the beginning, about why I left off in the first place. Slowly, all the bad memories and feelings have started to be soften by all the good memories that have been taking place since the bad ones entered. Could you be more vague? Probably, but I know at some point I will let it all out about how different my life is now, compared to how it was just a year ago. But I'm no different than most people in this world. Everyone's life changes within 12 months, mine just changed without my consent and I'm a bit out of sorts about the whole thing.

So instead of starting from the beginning and working my way the here and now, I'm just going to start from the now.

Summer with 3 kids home for 12 weeks is no joke. However, I'm different then I use to be about this season. I mean I always enjoyed summer but I never actually looked forward to it. I basically thought it just got in the way of us getting to fall. How rude of it to show us all the brilliant colors and wrap us in all it's warmth and then allow us to eat all the wonderful foods and smell all the vibrant flowers that grow in it's heat. Yeah, I'm just now realizing after 31 years how vital summer is to my mind and apparently my growth.

I grew all my babies during the summer and most of my favorite photos have been taken during this season of renewal. So I've finally come to terms with the fact that apparently, I'm a summer person after all. You all are so proud, I know.

Funny thing about summer break with kids, you think during the school year, when they are forced to learn so much in such a short amount of time, that; that's when they will grow and learn the most. On the contrary this isn't so true for our family. I have noticed the most growth, maturity wise and physically, during the summer months. Cecelia has shot up over night it seems and all her little summer dresses that we just bought 2 months ago are getting to be on the risque side of short. Arlo is reading books that just a few months ago, would have held no interest in, you know lack of pictures and all that. Of course, Nash is talking and using words correctly and if his hair keeps growing he might be walking into walls for lack sight.

Well you get the idea, summer equals growth in this house.

Tonight all the kids were outside playing so I hopped into the shower quick. When I got out I peeked out the window to check on the kids to find them soaking wet! I thought for sure Arlo had grabbed the hose, but then I noticed that it was actually raining. I swear it wasn't when I sent them outside. They were having a blast, so I ran and grabbed my camera and snapped a few of them enjoying a summer rainstorm.

I've said it time and time again, Arlo's eyes are golden, just like his hair, just like his little heart.

As much as I gush about the love the boys have for one another, as well as their annoyance with each other. These two have the sweetest relationship. For being seven years apart, I always worried they wouldn't be very close, but I think their age difference makes up part of their special bond. 

These 3, Arlo snuggling in close to Nash and Cece's sly smile. I think often to myself about the wild ride these 3 are going to give us before they are all out of the house.

I'm not sure how I'm going to handle all that she is going to throw at us as she gets older. I'm pretty sure Nate is going to struggle more so than me.

Henry Nash: Happy Birthday!

Celebrating Nash's birthday, well celebrating a healthy and very happy birthday for our Nash, means so much to us. For 15 weeks we didn't know if we were even going to be bringing home our baby or in what condition he would be living his life. Our doctors pushed for more invasive testing, when something in our anatomy scan didn't come back as it should. Nate and I had already made our decision that no matter what any test showed, I would be carrying our son to term. No need for further testing, we would take what was ours and Nash... Nash was ours.

When I went into labor, not only was I preparing myself for what was to come, knowing full well all about the pain and process it took to bring a baby into this world but I had to prepare myself for not getting to take him home either, or maybe not right away. Nash was born into a quiet room, it was only Nate, myself, a nurse and the doctor. He came out so quickly there wasn't 10 people in the room like there is normally. The doctor laughed at his entrance and I remember looking at Nate and seeing his eye's a little blurry. It was so calm and that calm made me nervous. Then I heard him cry. Then all I could do was watch Nate. Not until they placed Nash on my chest and the nurse looked at us and said "He's perfect" did I finally take a breath. I could feel him squirming on my chest and his face nuzzle into my neck. I saw Nate look to the ceiling and breath and for the first time in all the babies we've had, I cried.

For 15 weeks I didn't give myself the ability to hope for such a perfect outcome but God decided to grant that to our family anyway. Every milestone Nash hits, every time he shows us something new that he can do, our entire family gushes over him. I can't imagine how different our family would be  without Nash being apart of it all. How different Arlo's temperament would be towards people. His love for his little brother can not be expressed in words. How Cece's mothering instinct kicked in when he entered our home. She always wants to be apart of what Nash is doing, as long as she gets to play the mothering role.

I've always described Cecelia as our Joy, Arlo as our light and if Nash held any title it would easily be our Hope. When we found out he was going to be joining our family, we were dealing with the loss of a family member, another with a breast cancer diagnosis. In the months following his arrival we found out another member of our family would be battling cancer. Through it all he gave us the little hope that we needed to look forward to all the new changes, all the hard battles still to be fought, all the wonderful times still waiting to be had within our family. He makes us smile, talk in strange voices, do ridiculous things just to make him happy. As always this family bends to King Nash's wishes and we wouldn't want to have it any other way.

Happy 1st Birthday Henry Nash, Nasher, Nasher Basher, King Nash, Nash. You are unbelievably loved and not just by this crazy clan of ours but by so many.

Comfort

This picture was taken by Nate, when he and Cecelia climb to the top of Trail Ridge in RMNP.

He took my camera and just he and C made the climb. When they got back down he told me how Cece had to stop to catch her breath at one point. I was shocked, our girl doesn't even understand the meaning of taking a break. Nate had asked her if she wanted to come back down but she refused. 

He snapped the picture above when they reached the top. 

This week I found out something sort of pivotal in our girl's world. Something that she had been keeping from us for 2 years! Something that when she finally opened up to me about totally opened up a whole different world into our relationship. 

For the longest time when I would look around Cece's room, which if you follow me on Instagram you know I spend huge amounts of time in there, I would always just see little messes all over. It was so infuriating because we don't keep lots of stuff in our home so I could never figure out why her room always looked so cluttered and messy. When she went off to school this year and Nash is taking his morning nap, I sneak in there to do work. I'd see her blanket folded and laying on the seat of her desk chair, her stuffed animals in a pile by the heater with pillows, blankets piled up on her bed. My thoughts were always "Good grief she can't put anything away." The more I would sit in there the more I realized that she had made these areas more cozy, comfortable. My girl seeks out comfort and if she can't find it she creates it. 

When she finally confided in me about this other part of her world this week, I asked her "Cece, why didn't you feel like you could tell me about this sooner?" her response was "I don't know, I thought it would be uncomfortable, like weird or something."

It made perfect since and because I made an effort to be more observant of her it wasn't shocking. Once she realized that it was perfectly acceptable to talk to me about these types of situations, I now see this much lighter version of my daughter every time I see her. 

Cece and I don't mix well all the time. She is sensitive and dramatic when I'm defensive and sarcastic. She loves everyone and I love my people. I was reminded this week just how much I can learn from her and how much, as her Mom, I can guide her. We are slowly starting to enter new territory in our relationship, as she gets older and has more opinions and feelings about more mature things and it's scary and new.

I'm sure Nate and I are bound to mess up but what I've learned so far that if we give Cece that feeling of comfort in our relationship with her, there is nothing she wont share with us, even if in our eyes it is uncomfortable but sometimes parenting isn't about what makes us comfortable, it's about what is right. For as long as Nate and I have been parents, we have always agreed on keeping communication open with our kids. Whether we wanted to hear what they were saying or not. How can you raise up these little people without honestly listening to them? You can't, not without creating a very hostile environment. 

Our girl is only 8, so we have a long way to go but this is a person who never gives up. She only knows one direction, forward and has one speed, which is full speed. I pray I can always keep up with her, while she still needs me and well after. 

Here's to climbing more mountains little one. 

*** Yes, I'm purposefully being vague about the situation. As my wildlings get older I need to scale back the detailed information regarding their personal lives. She may only be 8 but I'm thinking the internet will still be around when she is 16.***

Cecelia : 8

She was born in the dark, early morning hours on this day 8 years ago. She was just a squishy tiny little bundle of pure joy. From that day 8 years ago she has radiated that same feeling to our little family. There is no other feeling, than the feeling you get welcoming your first born into this big world. The fact that we were blessed with Cece being that child for us, should have spoke volumes for what God had in store for our family.

Cece is passionate and has a deep love for those around her. With such fierce passion comes a lot of slamming doors and arguments to see her view on things. She has given me more patience and understanding in these 8 short years then I have ever learned prior to her birth. 

She is a giver of second chances and third, fourth, fifth ect. She forgives easily and without hesitation. She desperately wants everyone in contact with her to be happy. To enjoy whatever they are doing and if she can help them accomplish that she will put forth the best effort to make it happen. 

To Cece, family time is the most important time and should come before everything else. I've described her hold on our family as an ivy that threads us all together. She is always pulling us back towards one another. Whether it's her reminding Arlo why we have to be gentle with Nash, or her soothing Nash when Nate and I are out of the room. It's her raspy voice telling me how much she loves our Sunday suppers or how she snuggles in tight whenever she hugs Nate when he comes home for the week. 

As adults we can get lost in the hustle and bustle of just living and then add taking care of littles into the mix and the reminder of why we are doing all that we do can get blurry.

Our girl always brings everything back into focus. It's why God gave her to us first. 

She is by far a better person that I have ever been and she is only 8 years old. I also could not be more proud of her for all that she does, not only in our own family but when she walks outside of our home as well. 

Happy Birthday Cecelia!

You are loved. 

Arloboy: 5

{One Day Old}

{One Years Old}

{Two Years Old}

{Three Years Old}

{Four Years Old}

{FIVE}

I've been in total denial about this boy turning five today. In fact if he stayed 4 for the rest of his life I would be totally okay with that as well. 

I'm currently listening to an assortment of Mumford and Sons, Vance Joy, James Bay and others. This music always reminds me of my boy. It was their songs that we swayed to for hours on end in our family room while he worked his discomfort out during his colicky stage. I would keep him pressed close to my chest, swaddled, face snuggled up to me, with the music playing around us. 

These were the songs that I played next to his bedside while he was hooked up to wires, tubes and monitors. Where he laid motionless, except for the ragged intake of breath for days, while he fought to show everyone just how strong he was. 

These songs remind me of him and it will always take me back to those early days and months of this boys life. I can smell his fuzzy blonde head, feel his soft chubby cheeks and still taste his tears that I kissed away while they tried desperately to find a place to put his iv. I can see those big golden eyes staring back at me until they no longer could fight sleep and closed, with those big black lashes as a blanket. 

If there was a major turning point for Arlo in his short 5 years, it would have been this past year. I'm not sure if 4 was his magical number or if it was preschool or the bond he formed with Nash from the minute he set eyes on his little brother. Whatever it was it has transformed him from an angry, unsocial, resilient little boy to someone who loves everyone, a boy who just this morning kept telling Cece and I "Thanks for my birthday breakfast, thanks for saying happy birthday to me!" Just those simple things had pleased him so much. The fact that he acknowledged our small part in his early birthday celebration made me extremely happy. 

I have missed his sleepy face throughout the day. I know he is really enjoying school and that is where he needs to be but as his Mama, the one person who has always been right by his side, it's been an adjustment. I told him the other day he wasn't allowed to turn five, because then he would be to old to cuddle with me. He laughed and replied that he would always still cuddle with me. I know that he means well, but I also know that there will be a day when it will stop. The little hand finding mine while we are sitting on the couch. His little squeal and pounding of his feet running towards me for protection when his Dad is trying to get him. His golden head driving into my stomach so I can rub his head to forgive him.  I know to soon it will slowly start to stop. I also know I will not push for it to continue because as a Mother my goal is to raise children to be independent and as he starts to push those boundaries I will need to slowly loosen those reins. 

When I get to sad thinking about how in the past 5 years he has really changed and grown, I remind myself that I'm so unbelievably lucky to have gotten the pleasure to witness it at all. That my son, who fought to be here, is living a full life without limitations. So instead of being sad, I try to be grateful and let all that golden light that Arlo so brilliantly shines warm my Mama soul. 

Happy Birthday Arloboy. 

Oh how you are loved.