I have many, more than I would like to admit or make others aware of. Let's see there's the stubbornness thing that truly pisses my Mother off. My very inappropriate and sometimes very dry humor, which can come off a little abrasive. I have an issue with word vomit; it happens and if you and I are close you don't take it personally and normally call me on it. I have an unhealthy love for donuts and it has spread to my children. My passionate behavior sometimes can come off mean. I have to say that my biggest flaw is my inability to apologize, even if I'm utterly in the wrong. I feel like this one affects the people around me the most.
For example, just today Nate and I got into a bit of tiff. I use the word tiff instead of fight because it wasn't really a fight it was him getting upset with me because I was upset with a situation and he needed to fix it but I was still going to be upset with him even after he corrected the situation. Confusing, not really but I'm not going to get into details. Anyway, he fixed said situation and called me back to let me know and also to apologize. This is how our conversation went:
Nate: Such and such has ben fixed.
Me: K
Nate: I also wanted to call and apologize for being such a grump this morning.
Me: making awkward faces at my computer while my co-workers pretend to not notice
Nate: silence
Me: making more awkward faces and realizing that he's waiting for me to apologize too
Nate: Well that's what I wanted to say.
Me: K
Nate: Alright I will talk to you later, Love you.
Me: Love you too.
End of the 437,900 most awkward phone conversation between us as always when it comes apologies.
This got me thinking, why? Why is it so darn hard for me to just say "Yep Babe, sorry my bad probably shouldn't have _________ or ____________ and that wasn't very nice to say this about __________" Yea the list could go on and on with the things that I say that don't need to be said or the harshness in which I say them.
Well I'm chalking it up to DNA. Yeah Dad I'm blaming you. If my Dad ever apologized to you without any ifs, ands or buts he must have been totally in the fucking wrong, because that just did not happen. So instead of owning my non-apologizing flaw I'm placing blame! Your welcome Dad!
But in all honesty, after I got off the phone I totally knew I needed to apologize, that it was the right thing to do and yet my mouth would not make the words form.
So stupid.
Want to hear one of the best parts about my marriage? He always knows. My husband, the sweet man, knows that my silence was my struggle. That what I couldn't say was what he knew I felt, that I was sorry. That's no excuse the words still need to be said and the actions need to follow. I believe actions always speak louder than words. Just ask my husband I say that line to him on the regular.
For the record, this flaw has come a long way, because in my previous years the thought of apologizing would have me laughing because if you didn't already know this I am always right (no I'm really not)! So why apologize just because they don't feel the same way, not my problem. Ahhh young stupidity of my adolescence, if you count adolescence into your twenties? You don't? To bad because I do. So long story longer, I've gotten better I accept that even though I feel I'm right and even when I know I'm wrong, hurting others by either giving off the wrong impression or by being too harsh is NOT okay. Having Cece has taught me many things but this was the biggest. I wanted her to grow up to be a caring, loving and accepting adult and I realized she sure as hell wasn't going to learn that from me if I didn't start showing her how to accept responsibility and owning when you are in the wrong.
So some of my baby steps: I always apologize and accept apologies in front of the children. When Nate and I argue we normally do it in front of the kids (please note: we do not have ugly fights) we use mostly kind words and even if we have not come to a direct conclusion to the argument we show affection, we smile and we make sure the kids hear the apologies. These things are important, they are going to fight but they also need to know how to forgive and ask for forgiveness.
Nate has never cared about my inability to apologize because let's face it he loves everyone and this includes their flaws, so it never bothered him. But it bothered me, that I married a man who gave out forgiveness to even those most underserving and I wanted to be a little more like that. So baby steps.
I mean in all reality the stubbornness comes into play with this and probably should be worked on as a whole but let's compartmentalize shall we?
Also, Nate, "I'm sorry too."
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