Doubt

 

Doubt. It's something that every parent lives with on some level or another. Honestly, having Cece was as natural to me as breathing. Becoming a Mom to a baby like Cece was heaven. She had her moments, like most babies, but was the most easy going, happy baby I had come across. Trust me I have come across a few.

When Nate took a different job that required frequent travel when Cece was only 6 months old it was only suppose to be temporary. This job lasted until she was about 2 and half. He then switched jobs and went with his current company and travels regularly but is not on-call and is (almost) always home for holidays and weekend. When he swiched, I was already 4 months pregnant with Arlo. 

Arlo is almost 3 now and we have come to the conclusion that Nate's job is not temporary. That he enjoys the company he works for, the people he works with and what he does. This works for us, simply because I don't mind doing things on my own. Handling the kids daily needs and schedule is second nature to me. Granted with a full-time job on top of being the main caregiver to our kids can be daunting at times. This is what we have choosen for now and it works for us. 

Of course even though I wanted a house full of boys when we were planning our family, I never thought about how I would go about raising them with Nate being gone most of the time. First, let me say that Nate is one of the most hands on Dads I know. I'm not just saying that because he is my husband but because he truly enjoys being with his kids. When he is home he changes diapers, he makes meals, he wrestles and reads with them. They love him and vice versa. With that being said, that leaves me every week, Monday through Friday, doing this on my own*. 

Here is where doubt comes in to play. Our son, Arlo. My life has benefitted so much since Arlo has arrived. However, how much will he benefit from me?  Now I know many women don't have help from their husbands, who are home every night. I know there are many women who do this on their own day in and day out with no rest insight. I have heard wonderful things written and said about mothers who did this on their own from their own sons. I know what I'm giving him is enough but will it make an impact? Will it resinate with him? I doubt this because his main example being shown to him, is being shown to him by a woman. I think some men are raised triumphantly by women and I praise them. Will I be one of them? Why am I even compairing? Do I think men are better than women at raising sons? No, men have an added benifit of being a man. Just as women have the added benefit of being a woman. There is an understanding that one cannot gain from the other. This arguement can be debated till I'm blue in the face. However, this is just my opinion, this is how I feel. 

70% of the videos on my phone, consist of Arlo throwing a ball, Arlo catching a ball, Arlo hitting a ball, Arlo kicking a ball. Our afternoon activies, once we have gotten home, revolve around me cooking dinner while playing some form of catch with my son. When I'm throwing the ball back and forth, I constantly check to make sure I'm showing him properly. When I teach him how to bat, am I doing it correctly? Am I good enough? Am I positively coaching him?** What am I showing him differently then what his father could be showing him? I know this is silly because so much of this will not be in his clear memories when he is older. But then again, this is our "normal". This is our family set up. I know Nate gives him everything he needs when he is home and Arlo flocks to him. He wants him and he wants everything to do with him. If Nate wears a hate, Arlo wants a hat. If Nate is riding in one vehcile, Arlo will demand to ride with him as well. 

I get kids go through stages of wanting one parent over the other. We have dealt with that with Cecelia numerious times. Right now we have gotten to a point with Cece, that she only wants me for certain situations and Nate for others. I'm sure this is how it will be from now on. She has figured out what we excel at and she reaches for our strengths. It's crazy how kids are more intuitive then most adults. I just want to know that what I'm giving him will be enough. Unfortunately, I will never know this until later in life. Most likely once he has his own children. 

I have never been one to reach for perfection, simply contentment and happiness. So I know my parenting is far from perfect but that darn doubt seeps in slowing and then all of a sudden it's consuming me. I do know for certain, that Arlo is loved. Not only by me, but by all that come in contact with him. His smile is contagious and his mannerisims are entertaining. He is heatlhy and always growing. He throws a ball better than I do, and I like to say that is because I have really taught him great fundamentals. All though I think a lot of it has to do with natural talent. I would love to bottle this stage up and keep a little bit of it with me. It would most definitely come in handy for those teenage years ahead. 

I guess I just needed to throw my doubt out there. I needed to get it off my chest. I know it will come back, especially as he grows. I know there will be a time when I will even get it with Cecelia. For now I'm just going to remember that every night they say "I love you" and every morning they come to my side of the bed. They come to me first. So there's always that.