Parenting: Inclusiveness

When you take the time to rub the sticks together, take pride when you see the sparks create the fire.

I have an 8 year old daughter. She will soon be 9 in September. I think she might be getting to that strange category called "tweens" but first child, only daughter, you could chalk this whole post up to me not knowing what I'm doing too.

For the past 2 years I have been preaching to Cece about inclusiveness with her peers. Now I feel like I should mention that if you ever run into me or have spoke to me and you ask me about my daughter I probably come up with some sarcastic remark about raising a girl and "Oh the drama" bla bla bla. Let me be real frank for a second. I love that girl beyond words, there frankly isn't enough to go over all that Cece means to me. She has taught me so much in the very short time that I have had the pleasure of raising her that it hurts my heart in the best of ways to think of how much more she has left to teach me.

Now let's also be real, raising kids is tough and not for the faint of heart. Also raising boys is like navigating a freaking battlefield of physical proportions and I mean the physical part literally. Raising a girl is like that only with words and so many emotions. It's hard and it takes work and there is never a super simple solution to whatever problem ails them.

However, it seems one common thing keeps popping up year after year, ever since 1st grade. Being left out, which leads to hurt feelings and so on. Now I know a lot of moms and adults in general have conflicting views about how to handle children's feelings. All that arguing about "safe spaces" and if they are relevant and oh it's "hurting our children" and "what about tough skin..."

Okay so whatever your view is on that front lets just focus on school age children and being left out. When your child has been left out, whether intentionally or not, they will probably tell you that it hurt their feelings that the people they consider their friends were not wanting to play with them. As a parent your heart will ache for your child and to want to make it better.

I'm on year 9 of parenting and I know good and well that I can't fix Cece's problems for her and Nate and I also don't think it's our place to always step in and make things right but again you are the parent so you need to guide and teach them through these types of experiences. So a few years ago after a little episode with Cece and a friend, I needed a complete run down of the situation so I could best help her. However, getting a school ager to give you a detail account of any story is easier said than done. What I soon figured out was that asking questions, especially ones that don't point direct blame, really help Cece work the situation out all on her own. By just opening her mind up to the whole situation, instead of the very small tunnel vision she has on just her specific feelings. This has helped me give her the ability to see outside of herself and to realize that not all hurtful situations are intentional and cruelly derived.

Let's face it at one time or another you have felt left out from either your friends or family. When you give yourself time to step back from the situation to look at the big picture, 9 times out of 10 you were only thinking of how they didn't seek out your company, instead of thinking about the actual situation and that hurting your feelings probably wasn't even on their radar (Of course I know that this is not always the situation and that there are people out there that get a sick pleasure out of that crap.)

Anyway, the big thing that I have learned not only with my own friends as well as helping Cece navigate her little friends and her feelings, is to adopt the concept of inclusiveness. There is always going to be one or two people in your life that have trouble in large groups of people. They want to hang on to those people that they really feel comfortable with and they get very territorial when two many move in on their "people". I know all about these type of people, I happen to be one, but you guys I married a person who is all about inclusiveness. Over the years, I've worked through that fear of including and also being included into a large group of people. As I get older the more I appreciate all the different people that I have started to incorporate into my life and how, especially the past year, they have meant so much to me. What would I have done without ALL those people?

Now don't get confused, I still have issues in relying on more than a handful of people but my ability to love a greater amount of people has let that much more love and support into my life and I've been kicking myself for not seeing this as a treasure instead of burden when I was younger.

So I remind my daughter, who happens to be her father's daughter, that even though she dearly loves one or two little girls and considers them her "best friends" I remind her that there is so much to including everyone, yes even the kids that struggle with allowing to many people to be apart of their circle. Those over the others need it just as much. After 2 years of this philosophy to my daughter I can see it really taking root and she remembers to be inclusive, not only with her time but her feelings as well. She wants everyone to be friends and I have to remind her that to let people open up to her, she needs to remember to open up to them. Some people need to be shown in order to replicate that sort of behavior.

It's been a joy watching her really open up and blossom this summer with a lot of neighborhood kids. Mainly girls but also a lot of our boy neighbors as well. She really wants everyone to be touched by her friendship, to feel good about spending time with her and telling her all the stuff. She is good playing and being goofy but I also hear her opening up and saying stuff like "I get scared too, so it's totally okay if you do!" She welcomes and makes others feel comfortable opening up as well. She has been helping some girls learn to do back walk-overs and back handsprings on our trampoline and earlier in the summer, I would hear her say "Oh that's not right, let me show you." I had to remind her that even though I know she was being honest, people might not feel comfortable telling you their struggles if you brush them off so easily, be a teacher not a show off. Now, this week I've heard her say "Great job, you almost have it, just throw your legs over a little faster and I think you'll land it!"

Cece has an issue with her tone so I'm constantly reminding her of that and even though it seems redundant day after day with the same remark, it seems to be helping her and how she address others.

Okay so this sort of seems like a bragging posts, "Oh my kid is so awesome and great, teach your kid to do the same" that's not my intention. It's basically a notice that changing your view on how you think you are, doesn't mean that's how you have to be. Change is hard and guiding change in a young person takes effort and a whole freaking lot of patience. Changing my own outlook needed to be done so that I could help guide my daughter's, as well as my sons, in the right direction.

Nate and I have only had 2 major goals while raising our children. One we will always love them, that actually isn't a goal but it's a gd fact. Second, teach them to be kind, compassionate, inclusive and  and strong in their convictions. Over this past summer I feel like Cece is starting to really absorb what we have been preaching, it's a parenting miracle. This is just the tip of the iceberg in parenting years but also we only have her and the boys for such a short amount of time and I feel like I've started late with all of this because it took me until my 30's to figure out these lesson myself! Luckily, I married a dude that was born with this mentality and it has served him well for many years.

I tell him constantly I wish I could be more like him and he always says then I wouldn't be me and where would the fun be in that.

I needed to get this down, I needed to say I'm proud of what we are pouring into our girl and of course the boys, but also of myself too. We live in a small community and Nate and I want to be a positive part of that community. We hope by raising our children with a great deal of intention then that will spread to others. I mean what else are we suppose to be doing as parents, as humans, if not to leave this world better, with better people with more love.