Micky Mouse pancakes, feeding squirrels on his back deck, jars of change around the house, sitting in his narrow kitchen watching him cook dinner, sneaking us pop, State Fair, laying on the living room floor reading the paper, several different pairs of glasses on his side table, baseball caps, pride for his country, love for his family, Disney movies, his old Ford truck (which is now Nate's old Ford truck), the way he drove with two feet. I could continue for most of this page and still be hit with a memory later that I have forgotten.
This weekend I lost my grandfather, he was known by his grandchildren as Pops. I respected him, I loved him, I saw the look of pride when one of us accomplished something, even the littlest of things. He always made it to our games, no matter if he liked the sport or not, he sat through 2 hours of recitals every year for many years, even if we were so young we stood on the stage and didn't do anything, he showed up to our graduations with as much pride as our fathers, even if we didn't realize what we did was a huge deal, graduating from high school, he made sure to remind us, in only a way Pops could. Graduating from college was an even bigger deal and he showed it by shedding tears. He supported our endeavors whether they were what he wanted for us or not, he spoke of us each with love and admiration.
My Grandfather was a simple man, he had a plan for what he wanted out of life and he accomplished that, as much as any man can. To some it may not have been much, but he went to work everyday, he put a little of what he made aside each paycheck, he created a family, provided for them, found love twice, watched as his kids grew and created their own families and cherished each of us in his own way. He was not a man who spoke much about his feelings, he wasn't overly affectionate or even kind sometimes, but he would do anything for us if we asked. He had the funniest sense of humor even if it was more on the offensive side, but it's what made him, Neil.
People respected Pops, even my own Dad, who always listened to rock music with my sister and I during the summer when he watched us and my Pops declared that he shouldn't let us listen to so much of "that music", and so one day my sister and I were introduced to Garth Brooks. Needless to say we have a love for many different kinds of music but my sister and I know almost every classic rock song and we can sing along to any Garth Brooks song.
They say women look for their father's when they meet their husbands, and to some extent that is true about Nate and my Dad, however there is so many aspects that I always thought made up a good man that I found in my Grandfather, which in the past 7 years of marriage I see come through in my own husband. My Pops worked hard, physically hard and everyday, my husband rarely misses a day of work and his job can be physically demanding. Both my Pops and my husband have a love for Willie Nelson and Johnny Cash. The soft side of my Grandfather that he usually only showed his grandkids, I see in my husband everyday with our own children. He was not a college graduate but he was a smart man and he proved that you didn't need to have "things" to have happiness and a well built life. You found that in the people you surrounded yourself with and how you conducted yourself.
My Pops could be the scariest man when he was upset, I also learned first hand from him that when you are most scared you can be the most angry as well. One year at the State Fair when I was younger I got separated from our family after my sister an I went down the big slide. I wandered over to the Bill Riley stage and watched the dancers, luckily, my family found me and not only did they find me but at one point I had wished they didn't because the waves of anger that were coming off my Pops were terrifying. I would have gone toe to toe with a kidnapper then that man when he found me. I realized later after my Mom explained that when adults get scared that sometimes instead of showing relief, that we are not harmed, that emotion can come out in anger and my Grandfather could handle anger. He forgave me, after a while and I tried to understand his behavior. I didn't fully grasp it until we thought we lost Cece a few years ago, it suddenly sunk in the way he was feeling when I was missing. I knew how much l loved my daughter to be feeling how I had felt, but I also remember that my Pops must have loved me an awful lot to feel the way he did on that day.
Life will continue moving forward as it does, but since he past I remember my childhood and bits and pieces that I had forgotten and the tears sting the back of my eyes as I try to push them back. He wasn't the same Pops for the past few years but he gave me some of my favorite memories as a little girl and showed me about respect and the importance of a well worn in truck seat, sometimes when Nate and I are alone we take the truck down the gravel roads and he always lets me drive, because he knows, he knows it gives me good memories, and sometimes I will drive with two feet just like my Pops did, because that to always makes me smile.
I will miss you Pops, I will miss your smirk and your offensive jokes and your love for us. I hope you watch over Cece and Arlo as they start to put their mark on this great big world of ours, but don't worry I will give them a variety of music to listen to, but they will know Johnny and Willie. They will have an appreciation for a well built truck and feeding the squirrels that play on our deck and don't worry they both already own cowboy boots and you better believe on the day they graduate I will be cheering them on for the both of us, they will feel supported just as you supported us.
Thanks Pops, thanks for everything. Even for the things you didn't even know you were giving us, thanks for those too.
Love You.
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