FYI-this is a little long so cozy up and if you make it to the end, thank you for reading my conflicting ideas and decisions that we make to solve them!

So here is a little background about our situation. When we had Cecelia I was working full time at a daycare, which I loved! I loved my students, my co-workers, the building, location, my hours (730-330). So when Cecelia was born I had never thought about staying at home with C. I went back to work taking C with me, it was actually a great arrangment.

Well when C was 4 months I started school full time, I knew that I wanted a college education and to help provide and be a great example for my family. Yes, it was busy but I felt very worthy of all the roles I was playing, wife, mother, co-worker, student ...well a few months later one of those things that you pray never happens to you does...Mr.Stanley lost his job, along with many others at his work. Lucky, for me my husband is amazingly gifted at every type of work done with your hands and he was already finding work to do around our town.

A month later he had a full time job. However, this job wasn't a typical 9-5 job. He does lots of physically demanding work and he can be gone for days at a time with very little notice. Needless to say by the time the middle of the summer came around I was feeling that I was lacking in some of my roles I was playing, including my mother role.

With my providing husband traveling, I felt that C was getting the bad end of the deal. So after much consideration my love and I decided to try having me stay at home with Cecelia and going to school. At first I thought this will be great I don't have to follow other people's directions, only change one child's diaper and focus more on my daugther and my school work.

So here I am 10 months into being the stay at home mother, that I never pictured myself being and I'm almost terrified to enjoy it. I know one day I wont get the privledge of being with my child everyday, or being there for my husband, because I do have dreams of making my tiny mark on the working world.

Lately I have gotten a little down about it, thinking maybe C could sense that I was holding back, and not enjoying my time with her. Mr.Stanley of course laughed at my thought of that, telling me "She loves you, how could she not?" I know she loves me, I just want to do the best that I can with her, without getting attached to being home. Sound crazy yet?

Today I explained to Mr.S that I was feeling pulled in hundered different directions and didn't know what to do with it all. Here is the difference between him and I, he thinks about just whats happening in the moment during this day, I focus so much of my time on the future. Anyway, after getting everything I was thinking out on the table, we came up with a plan.
            So here it is, I will continue on my school path and graduate when planned. While doing so I will continue to watch Cecelia and take care of things around our home. We also decided that even though I will be done with school I will continue to stay home with our children (because yes, eventually there will be more) until they are in school. Then I will return to the work force and not feel guilty about staying home with C and not with any other children we have.
The thing that I was concerend about was my darling husband getting burnt out on completly providing for us finacially. I love him for openly and with out complaint give us what we need in life, and also continue to shower us with love and support even when he is dead tired. It almost brings me to tears when I think about all he does for us and how hard he works, and then to top it off he wishes to keep doing it so that we can expand our family and allow me to care for them until school.
I feel like with this decision being made that I can open my heart fully to filling the role of stay at home mom or whatever you want to call it, for me though I know that I can do this and I will do it with every ounce of heart I have, knowing that Mr.S is doing the same thing everytime he leaves the house for work.

Can you tell I just adore him, look at the grin, it gives me goosebumps!

And just for the record the hubby and I never make a big deal about a decision, we figure this all out while swinging with C at the park in a short 20 minutes. And for once I let my sweet husband make the final decision. Of course with the only string being that we have at least 3 kids and if they are all girls try once more for a boy and if that doesn't work, well at least he will always be surronded by the sweetest women he will ever have the privledge of knowing.